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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Dan "The Man of Potential Action" Flood's LiveJournal:
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|Saturday, February 16th, 2008|
Watching the NBA All Star game in New Orleans really makes me wonder a lot of things.
Why is New Orleans so crappy?
Why is New Orleans food so crappy?
Why are New Orleans people so crappy?
Why is New Orleans music so crappy?
That city was flushed down nature's toilet for a reason. We're really pissing off mother earth when we dredge it back up. The only good news is that if it does happen again, all the people that can't swim are already dead from last time, anyway.
|Friday, January 4th, 2008|
|Change in Scenery
Imagine a land where nothing is illegal and chaos rules. Imagine a land where the only people in it are old cowboys, crazy Asians, illegal immigrants, and homeless people. Now imagine that the single greatest person is ever in this magical land. This land is Reno, my current place of residence.
|Saturday, December 1st, 2007|
|Tuesday, October 10th, 2006|
Offense: Harassment Policy Violation - Obscene/Vulgar
This category includes both clear and masked language which:
â€¢ Is crude and offensive in nature
â€¢ Is an inappropriate reference to human anatomy or bodily functions
â€¢ Is pornographic in nature
Details (Note - Times are listed in Greenwich Mean Time, GMT):
10/9/2006 20:50:42 (GMT) - Bowme whispers Player "wtf is wrong with
The actions detailed above have been deemed inappropriate for the World
of Warcraft by the In-Game Support staff of Blizzard Entertainment.
And thus begins a THREE DAY SUSPENSION for using the vulgarity "wtf".
|Friday, May 12th, 2006|
Well, it's been 17 weeks, and I know thre are atleast a couple peopel who miss my thrilling livejournal entries. My time has been spent mostly based around basketball, and that doesn't make for thrilling livejournal material for anyone besides three of the five people that actually read this. Maybe one story loosely related to basketball might be interesting...
Anyway, a couple months ago Luke Pliska and I had a a conversation that lead to him wondering whether or not a person that we play ball with around twice a week (for hours at a time) HAD HAIR. This person does not wear hats and does not alternate between shaving his head and growing it out. After I proceeded to tease him for not knowing something so obvious, he did the only rational thing. He picked up his cell phone and proceeded to call this man and ask him whether or not there was hair on his head. Needless to say, it was hard for them to hear each other on the phone over my laughing, but later that day during basketball Luke discovered that there was in fact hair on that particular individual's head. I don't know if you've ever called someone to ask them if they have hair, but it's definitely a new experience for me.
Also, it's time to hold the new annual contest of "Worst Spam Email of they Year" contest. I'll list four email titles, and your duty is to vote for the one you find most disturbing. Will Rau's email address will subscribe to the winner's website!!( cut for grossnessCollapse )
|Sunday, January 8th, 2006|
I shit you not, this is the dream I just had. Please note that I'm not the kind of regular livejournal fairy that just goes ahead and posts every dream, so that might give you a preview to the immense bizarreness that is my mind.
I'm at my house with with a bunch of older friends of mine including Adam and John Stamm, and we're doing some really weird random stuff involving watching a tv show where some Japanese people are playing with baseball cards, and we all decide to drive somewhere. After we get there, everyone leaves but somehow forgets me. So what do I do? I just wander around until my neighbor and childhood friend (weird) Gwen Stefani (who I hate) finds me, and we hang out and talk. Eventually we go to a fancy restaurant and before entering we run into one of her friends.
Well, the three of us go sit down and I notice that the third person keeps changing from young guy to old black guy to old black woman and the cycling through those forms again. Eventually I confront her that these people aren't real, and that she has a mental disorder that apparently she makes me see.
After a while I help her with her problem and a couple friends arrive, so we order food and eat, only to find out after we get the check that the total is $499 (I only had beef soup). Well, I don't have this much money, so we're looking for a way out, but the staff is obviously watching us, since we don't look like the type that would be eating food this fancy and the waiter is one of those stuck up waiter types that's been giving us crap the whole night for being out of our league.
Eventually I form a plan to escape (after everyone else but Gwen and I already have), but before I do Gwen informs me that she paid for the food. Also, we're dating. And then everyone leaves without me again, and some security guard turns off all the lights in the restaurant so that the cleaning lady will get scared/killed while she's in the kitchen.
|Wednesday, December 7th, 2005|
What the hell is up with hair coloring? You have to dye it like 90000 times to make a drastic color change unless you bleach the damn stuff, first. Lessons learned, people.
In true comedic styling, I also have to ask "what the fuck is up with Friday's bartendresses?" Those chicks absolutely can NOT make a drink right, and then when you asked them why they mixed the drinks like crap, they ALWAYS ask you if you can't handle the amount of booze they put in it.
For example, Bunt and I were at Fridays a week or so ago, and I ordered a Lynchburg Lemonade. Normally this is a fine drink, but after tasting it it came ot my immediate taste awareness that this drink had about 200% more Jack than it was supposed to. I don't know if you people would understand why having too much WHISKEY in a LEMONADE drink would taste shitty, but let me give you an idea of how the conversation went with the barlady.
Bartendress: How is everything here? Your appetizers will be out in about 45 more minutes since there are 4 other people in the restaurant.
Me: Eh, this drink might have a little too much Jack.
Bunt: For the record, it's a little heavy on the whiskey-lor.
Bartendress: *rolls eyes* Umm... yeah
, it's a Lynchburg Lemonade. It's supposed
to have whiskey in it.
Me: I know, I've had a dozen of them. I said this one has too MUCH. Not that it's not supposed to have ANY.
Bartendress: What, are you a little girlie man that can't handle some whiskey? Look at the little girlie man.
Me: What the hell are you talking about? I just want some proportion up in this piece so it's not like I'm doing shots of sour tasting whiskey here!
Bartendress; Are you going to cry now, girly man? This is Friday's, we don't mess around with pussy drinks. We've had a hardcore change in management, and things are different around here. Fuck family oriented settings, we're so badass that we've removed the TGI because God has forsaken us!
Bunt: Dan, I'm so scared, kid. I don't like Friday-lings anymore.
Bartendress: I'm sick of listening to your whining. I'm going to go disappear for a half an hour.
(15 minutes later)
Bartendress 2: Hey, are you guys ok here?
Bunt: No, but you're hot, so it's ok. I'll have a Lynchburg Lemonade-lings.
Bartendress 2: Ok. *goes and makes drink* Here you go.
Bunt: *drinks* *makes bitter beer face* Dan-lor, for the record, this one is even worse.
Dan: Gross man, go get a new drink.
Bunt: Ok, just tell me what you want and I'll go get it and we can trade-a-lings.
Me: Just get me a strawberry margarita. Those are impossible to screw up.
*Bunt exchanges his Lynchburg Lemonade for a margarita and then trades with me. Ten minutes later Bartendress 2 comes by*
Bartendress 2: Hey there guys, enjoying your... wtf!? I thought you didn't want that!
Bunt: His wasn't as bad as mine, so I just traded, kid.
Bartendress 2: Damn you tricksters. I guess I'll let this slide, since I'm not as evil as Bartendress 1.
*We order more drinks, then Bartendress 1 shows back up*
Bartendress 1: Well, looks like you were such a pansy that you had to get a margarita. How's your girlie margarita, girlie man?
This is what happens when you have bartenders that can't legally taste what they make. And we all got drunk.
|Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005|
|Behold, the stupidest hand IN THE WORLD!
Minigus is Will Blinkman and TomAss182 is Brian Kowal.
$50 NL Texas Hold'em - Wednesday, November 02, 11:34:10 EDT 2005
Table Table 36572 (Real Money)
Seat 10 is the button
Total number of players : 9
Seat 2: SanRam ( $38.33 )
Seat 4: acerman32 ( $18.45 )
Seat 5: eKSpressdk ( $48.50 )
Seat 6: zervez ( $45.80 )
Seat 7: tlatoaniz ( $39.80 )
Seat 8: TomAss182 ( $23.43 )
Seat 9: Fetknoppen1 ( $20.25 )
Seat 10: MiniGus ( $49.25 )
Seat 3: Laurentine ( $51 )
acerman32 has left the table.
SanRam posts small blind [$0.25].
Laurentine posts big blind [$0.50].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Laurentine [ Js 7d ]
TomAss182 calls [$0.50].
MiniGus calls [$0.50].
SihiNomme has joined the table.
SanRam raises [$7.75].
kentlund has joined the table.
TomAss182 calls [$7.50].
MiniGus calls [$7.50].
** Dealing Flop ** [ Ts, Ad, 5h ]
SanRam bets [$3].
TomAss182 calls [$3].
MiniGus calls [$3].
** Dealing Turn ** [ 3c ]
TomAss182 bets [$3].
MiniGus calls [$3].
SanRam raises [$6].
TomAss182 calls [$3].
MiniGus calls [$3].
** Dealing River ** [ 6s ]
SanRam is all-In [$21.33]
TomAss182 is all-In [$6.43]
SanRam shows [ Ah, As ] three of a kind, aces.
TomAss182 doesn't show [ Tc, Ac ] two pairs, aces and tens.
SanRam wins $14.90 from side pot #1
with three of a kind, aces.
SanRam wins $61.36 from the main pot with three of a kind, aces.
P.S. Playing on a $50 NL table where no one has more than $50 really tells you something about the table quality.
|Thursday, October 13th, 2005|
|Kurt Hahn Rap
Have you ever noticed how Jessica Turtenwald's mouth smells like dog balls? Well, I'm here to let you know that this is not a coincidence.
Our household has become more than a little disturbing as of late, and if you've read my info on my current SN on AIM you have even more info on how things have turned sick and twisted (hint: toilet paper is optional here). These types of things happen way too often now that the house is full.
Anyway, in honor of Kurt Hahn and no toilet paper, I have written a rap about him to the beat of his most favorite song from those god awful Beastie Boys:
Into the bathroom unsanitary, unsanitary while in the bathroom
(like he's from)another dimension, another dimension, another dimension)
Don't you tell me to wipe
you stick around and listen while I smoke this pipe
Vodka cranberry is my blood type
Now you hang around when I bitch and gripe
Whine, refined, I think
It always cheers me up when people say I ate a child
from Indiana to Boston they repeat that bile
If you anger me I will retire
Back to my house where I aspire
To be a well mannered man that can be admired
Change out of my basketball attire
to shorts, socks and sandals out of the clothes dryer
How do you like my hot Kurt style?
Some call me straightforward some call me hostile
I just rock my 80s rap loud and ignore those piles
with my custom made hat on the whole while
Into the bathroom unsanitary
Unsanitary while in the bathroom
Loud and angry, that's all me
Step inside my bar and watch me drinking
When it comes to the bar I rock the whole scene
I throw those darts like we're made to be
Got to get drunk and keep drinking full steam
Too poor to get drunk, not rich enough to keep clean
On Dan Flood's antics I'm not too keen
So I leave him at the Hall of New Berlin City
Dustin Stern is my favorite homie
Even though he never shows when he's my invitee
But I don't give up and keep inviting
he's a lot easier at darts than Walt or Gilly
and he always makes 4 for team playing
I need anyone I can get to hang out with me
cause I'm from another dimension, new galaxy
Into the bathroom unsanitary
Into the bathroom unsanitary
Unsanitary while in the bathroom
Never grew out of old school hip hop
Kick off my sandals and relax my socks
Take my highlander out of the deck box
I play 50 treacheries because that card rocks
and magic's so much better than the idiot box
I don't watch TV or go to coffee shops
I'm so much better than all those slobs
Kurtis Hahn has been known to let the bottles... drop
I played tournaments till they made me stop
Now I play poker all day nonstop
Step from the tables to go to school or bar hop
Wish I didn't get fired from the hat shop
If you try to use sarcasm you’ll get mocked
if you're on AIM you'll just get blocked
Cause I like my humor simple as a rock
but now I gotta go it's almost 2 o'clock
Into the bathroom unsanitary
Unsanitary while in the bathroom
From another dimension
|Wednesday, September 21st, 2005|
Hard at work. Sorry I've been a stranger lately, folks, but I'm a busy, busy man. Not to busy to take a livejournal quiz, though! The results aren't much of a surprise, I guess.
|You are a |
You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
|Tuesday, September 6th, 2005|
|TERRORISTS HAVE STUCK AGAIN!
and I'm 99.9% sure they have exploded planes into the Sprint wireless towers, as my reception has been the target of a massive underground attack. Currently I'm lucky to get more than one bar of signal even next to the Sprint store with digital roam activated. Apparently, to get a signal you need to buy 5 total sprint phones and have them morph together into one giant ultimate Voltron like phone that can tap directly into satellites in outerspace via a large, gray snakelike cable.
Also, I would like to say that Luke Pliska is a pile, and I would absolutely dominate him and Bunt with Tony Kissh on my team. Here's a recap of the future game... from the future!
0-1: First point scored by Bunt while we drink Gatorade thirst quenching, rehydrating beverages so as to not dehydrate ourselves while playing basketball. I'm sure you've seen what happens to people that don't stay hydrated. They fall down and explode into millions of tiny dust particles! I saw it on TV!
11-1: We score 11 straight points by just posting up weak ass Pliska and Bunt, since they are both WEAK! I dunk over Luke at least 7 times.
Winners: Me and Tony... but mostly me.
I had something important to add to this entry, but I can't remember what it was, so instead I'll probably just finish drinking myself into a Sari-like stupor. Please do the world a favor and do NOT tip bartenders that make crappy drinks. We can't encourage these buffoons to continue in their line of work.
|Tuesday, August 30th, 2005|
Thought I'd update since I haven't in forever.
Anyway, I have a new job which is better than Kohl's for the following reasons:
1. Pays much more
2. I have a room instead of a cubicle
3. People there aren't jackasses
4. 99% of the population isn't asleep while I'm working
5. Less demanding
6. I don't have to do any favors for idiots.
Ah, sweet new job. As for money, though, what I make at my job lately is nothing compared to poker at Potawatomi. That place is an absolute goldmine, and I encourage any of my poker homies to come on down and share with me the rewards these buffoons pay out. With winnings of as much as 3-4K a night !ON 3/5 BLINDS! it's impossible to pass up. I only wish my job wasn't so sweet so that I could spend more time down there, but I'm sure if I overdid it the poker curse of Poto would just turn me into another retarded calling station like the rest of them.
I might have to write a book just about the value of the straddle in NL Texas Hold'em. Has anyone done that yet?
Also, Tony Kissh is a tool.
|Monday, July 18th, 2005|
First of all, I'd like to get one very important thing out of the way. I love Snickers Almond minis. They are the greatest candy ever created by mankind. It was very tough to one-up normal snickers, but almonds are awesome, and the mini ones have just the right nut to everything else ratio. If it wasn't for those annoying little rat bastard wrappers I truly would be the fattest man on earth, but I can only eat about 5 of them at a time without getting bored.
Now, more importantly, last night was truly a break through of epic proportions. You may have seen in the newspaper today and article whose title would read a little something like "New Berlin Man Conquers Phone Tetris at Cost of Work Productivity". These reports are true, as last night while "working" I most definitely did become the all time champion of phone Tetris.
It all started on my lunch break, when I decided to challenge myself to beat my all time high score, which was set during a lengthy bathroom break a mere week ago. Putting myself to the test I moved the bricks with adept thumbs, turning, dropping, and sliding my way towards a score to be proud of. Tetris knew that I was nearly to the point of mastering it, and that's when it decided to use it's Tetris powers to play back at me via it's outside influence, actually accelerating time to the end of the lunch period. This served as a distraction when my coworkers made me get up to go back to my desk, but phone Tetris wasn't getting off that easily.
I played Tetris all the way back to my desk, dodging hazards placed in my way such as stray garbage containers and Caution: Wet Floor signs. Regardless of these obsticles, I navigated back to my desk and proceeded to waste precious work time dominating phone Tetris. Unfortunately for phone Tetris, there was no longer anything it could do to stop me by now. It was if all the blocks had become matrix agents, for I was the Chosen One, and I had finally figured out the Tetris Matrix and had become one with it. Every block had it's destined location, the perfect fit. Even those little rat bastard pieces that are diagonal or whatever that everyone hates fit precisely into place.
Twenty minutes later the pieces are finally moving at a rate that no human can navigate with cell phone keys, and I am the proud owner of the best score in all of phone Tetris history. Never will I bother to play phone Tetris again, as there is no room for improvement. Also, because that game took like 40 god damn minutes.
A true testament to the will of humanity, I overcame many challenges and difficulties to dominate an important aspect of human life (phone Tetris). Soon I hope to see Dan Flood wristbands and charity organizations in my honor.
|Thursday, July 7th, 2005|
|No Internet and No Basketball Makes Dan Something Something
For those of you lazy bastards who don't follow my always exciting links, the general jist of it all is that NASA crashes a probe purposely into a comet so it can somehow use the impact to get a hint at how the universe was created. Russian atrology idiot sues NASA for altering her destiny.
Now, if that wasn't irritating to hear that NASA is using its bajillion dollar probes to deliberately crash themselves into rocks, you always have the nice backup from a dumbass woman that's read too many horoscopes. Besides, when you think your life can be made 300 million dollars worse because a rock in outer space gets hit my a hunk of metal, I officially declare your life's value at less than the price of a happy meal, or the cost it takes to make a bum dance. NASA should be working on far more important things, like sending a satellite into space that makes my phone get decent reception.
Well, good and bad things have been going on during my inter-drought, all due to Will Rau downloading a spam emailing virus that got our cable suspended. What a dumb bastard that Will Rau is.
Anyway, I managed to get out and see one more movie, and that movie was War of the Worlds. Now, I'd hate to dissuade anyone from seeing it (because I probably hate you), but from the second I heard Morgan Freeman's voice I knew I was in for trouble. Let's just say it was a mediocre movie with a movie so terrible that Luke Pliska only saw it three times in theater.
As for other events, I've eaten out at Friday's more times in the past month than in the entire rest of my life, and I can definitely understand why. Little kids that don't eat breakfast when they go out with parents really can't appreciate a place that relies solely on their alcoholic drink specials and amazing brownies to make up for their incredibly tiny menu and subpar beef entrees.
Don't bother saying anything mean about Will in your responses, that poor guy already got enough crap for getting the internet disconnected. Instead, rate the following seven celebs in order of how annoying they are, starting with most and ending at least.
|Monday, June 20th, 2005|
For those of you that haven't seen Batman Begins, I'm going to warn you that there may just be some spoilers ahead. Not that it's possible to spoil a Batman movie that I know of. Let me think...
Spoiler - Batman is really Bruce Wayne.
Spoiler - Batman lives and saves the day.
Spoiler - Katie Holmes is a troll.
See? You already knew that. To make things more simple for those of you who don't feel like seeing it, I'm going ot give you a play by play of all the important conversations that take place in the movie so that you can understand what's going on when your significant other drags you to the sequel.
Important conversation #1
This one takes place between Bruce and the dude that trains him to be a ninja (and someone that I'm pretty positive is the onion karate guy from Parappa The Rappa). He's just finished his training and the Onion dude wants him to show how hot and bothered justice gets him by killing some criminal.
B Dubs: I've just finished training for like 25 movie minutes so I can learn to bring justice to the world. That's a really long time. Now you want me to execute a criminal?
Training Guy: Yeah, pretty much.
B Dubs: We should give him a trial. That way he can manipulate the criminal justice system and get out after like 4 weeks so I can fight him every god damn week on my syndicated cartoon show.
Training Guy: Well, I never thought of the business end of this killing stuff. No wonder there's no Training Guy animated series. Still, that's a pretty stupid idea. This guy isn't even important enough to catch more than once. He's just a common criminal.
B Dubs: I know what I must do. I have to fight you all and explode the building, killing everyone, including the criminal. This will send a message to justice bringers everywhere that no one fucks with my criminals.
Important conversation #2
Having dispatched Onion Guy and his ninja crew for pretty much no reason, B Dubs goes back to Gotham. When he gets there he decides it would be cool to dress up as a bat, but isn't sure where to find the gear. This leads him to everyone's favorite token black dude, Wayne Enterprises very own Morgan Freeman.
B Dubs: Hello Morgan Freeman, I see that for some reason you were hired on to fill a role that the guy that played Urkel on Family Matters could've handled for one billionth of the price. I need Bat gear and I heard that you're the man to take care of things for me. Where in Wayne Enterprises can I find stuff like that?
Morgan Freeman: *Edit out 11 minutes of rambling I zoned out* Well, we happen to have a grappling hook, a kevlar suit, and a giant automobile that's rocket powered with incredible handling that shoots out missles and whatnot that no one knows is here besides me. Go ahead and take it.
B Dubs: That's pretty convenient. I'm about as happy to find all this stuff as you must be to get work after doing that one movie about the nuke with Ben Affleck. Oh yeah, Sum of All Fears. How aptly named.
Important conversation #3
Batman uses his Batcrap to save Gotham from Scarecrow and the Trainer Guy (who is attempting to avenge the onion karate guy). Well, technically Katie Holmes trashed the supervillian Scarecrow with a god damn TASER, but Scarecrow always was a little woman. This conversation is at the end of the movie When B Dubs is trying to get a piece of ass from Katie Holmes.
B Dubs: Back that ass up, slut. I just saved Gotham and proved you totally wrong about me being a no good, self absorbed playboy.
Troll: I'm still mad at you for not donating money to research so they could find away to reverse the damage from my stroke. You know, the one that caused me to LOSE THE ABILITY TO MAKE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS WITH BOTH FUCKING SIDES OF MY MOUTH?!
B Dubs: So you're not putting out?
B Dubs: Well, then what good are you? You know that I just swam in a hotel fountain not even two days ago with two naked supermodels, right? Off the Wayne property, Supertramp. And how about loading up some junk in that trunk? The little boy look is so 1990s.
Troll: *frowns with one side of her face*
I just wrapped up a two hour movie with three conversations. I swear to god that you now know everything that happened. Please send your checks for $8.50 to:
13970 W Paddock Pkwy
New Berlin, WI 53151
|Tuesday, June 14th, 2005|
Well, livejournal minions, it's been a while. During this time I've managed to grow more hair than any human male should ever be allowed to have. I've also managed to cut off all that hair, because that's what you do with crappy man hair.
As for the fantastic details of my life, it's pretty much just work, basketball, and sleeping. I've found that that's pretty much all it takes to keep me going, with an occasional "out with friends".
The VGC vs AA basketball game that was planned 6 months in advance finally took place a couple weeks ago, and it was a smash hit. VGC rounded up 3 members and AA had about 3, but with the proper amount of ringers we managed to put together a five on five. I had an awesome story about a fight breaking out after Mark and I got in an argument about whether or not it's traveling when I jump off the ground onto his head and then dunk, but Mark didn't show, making my story useless. A sad, sad thing, that.
In basketball news, basketball drama is hovering at an all time high level now that local large baller Kurtis Hahn refused to play with two of the basketball regulars. His reasoning involves a distinct lack of basketball manners which has evolved into a general distaste. He claims these two are "rude" and "bad times", while they insist that Kurt is being "weak" and "feeble" for not playing with them. All I know is that I miss seeing Kurt cut up Bunt and it's a shame that Kurt won't play with us now that he's actually good at playing the damn game.
Oh well. My next entry will be about what the world would be like if I was gay. Stay tuned for the earth shattering results.
|Thursday, May 12th, 2005|
|Will "No Flush" Rau
I'm getting sick of rain, and I'm getting sick of no basketball. Well, three things if you count getting sick of that bastard Will taking the most heinous of all dumps in the bathroom adjacent from my room every day.
Anyway, I hate to bore you with more about my job, so what I'm going ot do is ask that every human being in the state of WI find people to play basketball so I'm not bored 6 days a week. Good lord, you wouldn't think it would be so hard to find people to get a game going, especially when your own flesh and blood sister, Kim "Eyebrows" Flood dates half the black men in the god damn state.
Speaking of which, apparently now there's a new sensation in Kim's world that could beat a team of all the best people I know all by himself with a blindfold. Measuring up at an impressive 5'7" this guy is apparently the best thing to touch a basketball. I forget exactly why he isn't pro, but I would assume her explanation was something as believable as "he doesn't have a car, so he can't get to the nba games", or something like that. Anyway, hopefully Eyebrows can rustle together another team-o-thugs for us to measure up against soon. For those of you keeping track, Eyebrows has never gotten together a team that could post up a winning record on us.
Speaking of my lovely sister, if you happen across her I would ask that you encourage her to lay off the 'roids. That girl is getting a bit creepy buff, and according to Ryan she's start to sport an increase in body hair everywhere except for the ol eyebrows. You should see the size of her damn right arm. It's like a whole seperate entity! Man, I knew softball girls got big when I watched an inning of a game on tv when I was in a 5 minute coma, but I've never seen the effects up close.
Well, that's about all for now. To close, I'd just like to pose a question to the audience. Why are girl fights so interesting to guys? All I can ever think of when I see girls fight is "I could do that way better"... and thinking like that just leads to jail time.
|Wednesday, May 4th, 2005|
It's the damn weekend (for me), so it's time to get my ass out there and do some seriously stupid crap to enjoy myself! 05/05/05! Time for BOOZE!
Anyway, this has been an exciting weekend at the Kohl's Corporate super center, processing all the lovely little things our happy customers and customer service reps question, request, and demand of me. With hundreds of different Kohl's locations and millions of wonderful Kohl's customers, you can imagine that every once in a while a loon or two would decide to correspond with us. Well, you might still be shocked at some of the letters and emails we receive.
Yesterday, a lovely woman decided came upon the discovery that in the month of April, our state decided that it would be ok for it's citizens to have free reign over the lives of feral cats. Which I'm all for, without really much regard to the type of animal in question, due to the fact that animals pretty much suck ass. Kill em off and make more room for my greedy ass, I say!
Anyway, back to the subject at hand, This women is deeply distraught at the fact that we, the people of Wisconsin, could allow the murder of poor feral cats. So distraught that she felt that it would be necessary to cancel her account at Kohl's department store due to the fact that the corporate headquarters is in the cat hating state of WI. Naturally, everyone in this state is a filthy, cat hating son of a bitch, and she can't imagine shopping at a store that has a corporate center staffed by those villains. This customer of three years sent us her destroyed card and canceled her account in disgust.
Now, when my manager told me about this my first response was "how do customers like that know how to use a computer, let alone email?" Apparently that wasn't exactly a response she appreciated, since she feels that these customers deserve respect. I know better. But anyway, we lost our valuable Kohl's customer, and her three years of a total of $48 worth of purchases. Way to make your voice heard, you crazy, PETA lovin dummy.
Another example of Kohl's customer genius is their sneaky ways of trying to trick us into removing their late fees.
Most commonly people decide that after not paying their bills on time they should write us letters showing their incredible outrage over the nerve we have to assess a late fee to such a good customer that always pays their bills on time. Most customers that take this route never pay on time, and always do this exact same thing. It's surprising that they'd try this, since they must know we can easily check to see how timely they usually are. Apparently they believe that we just read the letters and magically use our mind powers to will their late fees to disappear from their account, and it doesn't involve going into their account of detailed transactions to take it off.
My personal favorite is when people play on our compassion to try and get us to remove late fees. I've heard it all. It ranges from illness, to migraines, to broken limbs, to sick family members. Somehow all of these things stop a human being from mailing a check for an entire month, or calling the corporate center with a credit/debit card number or a bank routing number.
The best one of these we've ever got was a woman who told us about how she'd recently had a stroke that paralyzed her left arm. Her doctor said that this stroke was caused by any of the following; blood pressure, cholesterol, or stress. Then she noted that a primary cause of the stress in her life was the constant late fees she continually got on her account! Kohl's audacity to charge her a late fee for being to retarded to send payment on time gave her a stroke!!! DAMN YOU KOHL'S! Herb Kohl, take a second from your filthy liberal senate doings to recognize the monster you've brought to life! WHERE IS YOUR BLEEDING HEART NOW?
The last big excuse is "I didn't get my statement", but that one's boring since it's more often than not the truth. I don't know how Kohl's does it, but they manage to hire some pretty stupid people to enter the addresses. That and the fact that quantity > quality at Kohl's doesn't really make things much better.
An example of quantity vs. quality could be shown by my last performance review. Here I'll reenact the going ons between myself and my supervisor -
SV: Dan, it looks like you pretty much never make mistakes.
Me: That's good to hear.
SV: Not really. Your lack of mistakes indicates that you probably could be working faster. I don't know a lot about what you do or how long it takes, but going that long without mistakes is a good indicator that you're just not working fast enough.
Me: Could it be that I'm just good at not messing up? Or maybe that you're a braindead idiot?
SV: That reminds me of the episode of American Idol I saw last night it was so good I watched it and the followingboringcraphappblahblahblahblah.
This conversation is not a good example of the quality you might expect from Kohl's. Remember our motto: Kohl's Cares. About working really god damn fast.
Remember, all it takes is one good email to Kohl's and you can be immortalized among the idiots that make our lives worth living. You're going to have to go out of your way to make yourself stand out from the other loons, though. We've had people try to haggle over how much of their bill they'd pay! People think this stuff will actually work!!
|Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005|
|Damn You, Cookies!
Well, wee folk, I believe it's time to inspire you all with more of Dan Flood stlye genius, and as we all know, that genius is derived from analyzing retards and learning how not to think and act.
For example -http://www.dailybreeze.com/news/nationworld/articles/1229527.html
Here we have a story about a woman who sues a pair of teenangers for leaving cookies on her doorstep. She apprently had an anxiety attack and felt the need to get revenge on these young no good cookie baking whores in the form of a large lawsuit.
The worst part is that she WON. Luckily, it was only for her $900 hospital bill, and not the thousands in pain and suffering she wanted.
Now, what do we learn from this incident?#1
Old unmarried people fucking suck. Once you get to a certain age and you still don't have anyone living with you letting you know when you're being a dipshit, you get waaaaay out of control.#2
If someone knocks on your door you can sue them for $900. I feel bad for all postal workers and jehova's witnesses. Well... I feel bad for postal worker's, at least. No wonder they're always shooting peope.#3
This delightful lady told the cops that she thought it must've been a burglar knocking at her door. So we can assume that burglars now politely knock on the door of houses they intend to burgle, and then run away. My friends, we have entered an era of kinder, gentler burglary.#4
All cookies should go to me. I will never sue you for making me cookies. Unless theyre not delicious, but if you make cookies that aren't delicious you deserve to rot in jail/hell.
Also, I'm sure these two teenage girls (and everyone in the area) learned something, too. They learned that there's a foul witch woman living next to them that they hate, and they know that this woman is prone to dangerous anxiety attacks that threaten her health. Enjoy your early grave, you cold hearted, sue happy bitch.
Anyone who says that these two wouldn't be doing the right thing by killing that woman is an idiot. People like this are wasted life forms that only exist to make other peoples' lives miserable, and then to leech off of them if they get an opportunity.
Tonight is the last day of work before the weekend, so I'll be sure to have a nice post ready for you on the idiots that send us mail, and trust me, I've got good stuff for you.
|Tuesday, April 26th, 2005|